The disease that stole my life

You guys do not know who I am. I am not sure if I even know who I am anymore, because I have lost my path in life. I had it all planned out. A safe route. Now I am stumbling around in the dark. Alone. That is why I made this "blog". In a desperate hope that there are more people out there, that can help me deal with what life has thrown at me. Not that I wish this upon anyone, but as we all know; Life is not fair.

Let me start from the beginning. Explaining to you who I used to be.

I was nineteen years old. Just got together with the man I considered (and still consider) would be the man in my life. Fresh out of high school and had my entire life in front of me. My dream was to become a police officer, but first I had to take a year of to experience life and work up some muscles before joining the police academy. I went to London and worked as an Aupair. Worked out in a Crossfit gym every single day.

After being there for six month I went home for christmas. I came down with a bad flu. forty degrees celsius fever for several days, but then I recovered. So I thought at least. I went back to London and the gym. The gym sessions felt harder and harder. I had to take naps during the day, which I had never done before. It did not take long before I realised that something was wrong and went back home, because the health system in england would not take me seriously. Back home my doctor told me that I had had the mononucleosis, but it had passed now and I could continue working out. So i did.

The next three years passed and I was on my final year of the police academy. Suddenly, life got hard. I struggled getting out of bed. The few times I went to school I was not able to focus in class, and I socially fell out of my class because I was never at school or at any social events. When I came home I went straight to bed, not having energy to even make me something to eat. My heart was racing. Feet aching. Head hurting. The list of symptoms went on and on. Still I was determined. I was going to make it to graduation.

Eventually I went to the doctor. He told me that I most likely had a reactivation of the mononucleosis and that my symptoms would disappear after three months to a year. I pushed through to finish school, but eventually realised that the physical exam would be a no go. I was not able to push myself through a workout. I was to tired and every time I pushed myself all the symptoms flared up.

Here I am. Nine months after my graduation. No job. Barely getting out of the couch every day. After a year of going to the doctors and them saying "It's probably just the mono still giving you the symptoms of being tired," I pushed through and demanded being seen by specialists. They confirmed what I feared the most. I have Fibromyalgia and most likely what the call M.E. The only thing that stopped them from giving that diagnosis was that I am not able to gain weight and have struggled with stomach pains my entire life. Therefore I have to do a Colonoscopy first. If that shows no bowel disease I will get the diagnoses M.E. Great, now I only have to wait for my appointment for five months. Sitting in the couch. Getting no help. Having barely no diagnosis. No finished education. No energy. The life I used to have is gone.

Luckily for me I still have my boyfriend to help me out and my two dogs to cuddle with when I feel the most discouraged. Still I want my old life back. I want to be able to go outside and walk the dogs every day. I want to be able to chase my dreams. I want to work. Every day I can see my old classmates post pictures on snapchat from their day at work as a police officer and every time I see it I feel even smaller in the couch where I sit. It went so far that I eventually deleted Snapchat, just to not see everything I miss out on. I want to experience everything a normal life has to offer. I do not want to have a sore back from sitting to much in the couch because I don't have the energy to do anything else. I want to be able to make my man dinner, at least once in a while. I want to smile and have red cheeks from being outside. I want to be me again.